Thursday, May 27, 2010

Lessons from Mitchell

Until we adopted Mitchell, I had never had a dog.
I can say now that I was not really sure what to expect. To all those similarly situated, I offer these words:

1. The morning begins no later than 8:30 a.m., even on weekends. Regrettably, Mitchell did not come from his adoption agency fully trained to use human bathroom facilities and Jessica and I have been unable to encourage him to take up this civilized habit.

With predictable results

The consequence is that each and every morning Mitchell must be escorted outside to do his business no matter the harshness of the elements. Mitchell is also incapable of the noble male tradition of rising at (the unfathomably early hour of) 8:30 to stumble to the facilities and then immediately returning to bed for another 2-4 hours of blissful, beautiful sleep. Instead, he immediately demands breakfast, and by the time he’s been fed, I’m awake. Thus, I’m forced to begin every day at a time befitting a reasonable adult. Jessica is in favor of this...between the two of us, that makes one.

2. You will hold poop in your hands. Granted it will be separated by an incredibly thin scrap of plastic bag (if you are operating the doggie bag correctly), but you will still get to appreciate many subtleties (warmth, texture) of your pet’s proudest production.

This is a family blog

3. Your dog will terrify people, and that is awesome. The number of people terrified by your dog will vary depending on size, shape, and general ferocity, but rest assured that somewhere there is someone afraid of your dog. That should make you feel good. Despite Mitchell’s perpetual docility bordering on slumber, that fact that he is tall, pointy, and has large razor-sharp fangs strikes fear into many passersby. I drink in their fear.

Mitchell and I enjoy walks most afternoons

4. Looking at your dog will, in and of itself, always be funny.

Comedy Gold

1 comment:

  1. You guys are fantastic and very entertaining writers, and I'm especially impressed at the regularity of your posts. Hope you two keep it up!